I’ve made my fair share of bad decisions, but none quite as mind-numbingly absurd as trusting Virgin Media to actually deliver broadband. Instead, I stumbled into a bizarre circus of incompetence, a twisted realm where false promises, robotic customer service, and mind-blowing stupidity collide in the most ridiculous way possible.

This company is not a broadband provider. It is a scam operation wearing a uniform.

The Art of Talking Absolute Rubbish

Virgin Media’s entire business model is based on making things up as they go along. Every time they speak, they somehow manage to dig their reputation even deeper into the bottomless pit of shame and failure.

• “Yes, we can install broadband at your house.” → No, they can’t.
• “The engineer will be able to fix it.” → No, they won’t.
• “It will be sorted next week.” → No, it won’t.
• “We’re escalating this to our specialist team.” → There is no specialist team.
• “We’ll call you back with an update.” → No, they won’t.

Every single word out of their mouth is as reliable as a chocolate teapot. They lie as effortlessly as breathing, and I’m convinced their entire training program consists of learning new and creative ways to waste people’s time.

The Installation That Never Happened

Let’s talk about the circus of failure that was my so-called “installation.” This would have been hilarious, if it hadn’t been happening to me.

1. They promised it would be an easy setup. → They were wrong.
2. They sent engineers. → They were useless.
3. They sent different engineers. → Still useless.
4. They blamed “external contractors.” → As if I care who’s responsible, just fix it!
5. They sent another team to do the exact same thing that had already failed.
6. They blamed the council. → No, Virgin, the problem is YOU.

Then, after months of this ridiculous game of hot potato, they finally admitted:

“Oh, actually, the conduit is crushed, so you can’t get broadband from us.”

FANTASTIC. After all that, they finally reached the conclusion that their own engineers had known from the very start. We had also told them in week one that there was an issue with the conduit in our road - as their own engineers had told us this in person! But Virgin media would not believe it - both us and their own engineers.

Virgin Media had zero intention of solving this problem. Instead, they just let me waste months of my life waiting for a solution that was never going to come. If this level of incompetence was any more extreme, I’d assume I was being pranked by a hidden camera show.

Customer Service? More Like Customer Torment

Trying to get answers from Virgin Media’s customer support is like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall—except the brick wall is smarter and more helpful.

• Their phone system is designed to make you give up.
• Their chat agents are programmed to type random circular nonsense until you leave.
• Their managers don’t exist. (Or if they do, they’re hiding in a bunker somewhere.)
• Their entire operation is based on ignoring you until you go away.

They should rebrand from “Virgin Media” to “Virgin Excuses”, because that’s the only thing they ever deliver.

Virgin Media: The Company That Should Not Exist

Virgin Media is not just bad at providing broadband. They are a disgrace to the entire concept of customer service.

If you are thinking of signing up with them, don’t. Run. Run far away. Find another provider, even if it means chiseling a satellite dish out of rock with your bare hands—it will be less frustrating and more reliable than anything Virgin Media could ever offer.

This company deserves to be studied—not for its technology, but as a case study in how to be astonishingly, laughably, offensively useless at everything.

Virgin Media, congratulations. You have wasted my time, tested my patience, and proven beyond all doubt that you are an utter failure of a company. Now kindly get lost and never darken my door again. I will see you in court - because I will get compensated for this tsunami of nonsense.