Virgin Media Timekeeping: A Lesson in Alternative Reality
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with Virgin Media’s installation team, you might have noticed something strange. The concept of time, as understood by the rest of the world, simply does not apply to them. While the rest of us rely on clocks, calendars, and the basic principles of scheduling, Virgin Media appears to operate on a timekeeping system all of its own—a mysterious, ever-shifting entity I can only describe as Virgin Media Time. The Never-Ending “Tomorrow” Most of us are familiar with the idea of a scheduled date. If you book an appointment for, say, the 1st of April, you’d expect something to happen on that day. But not in the Virgin Media universe! No, here’s how it works: You’re told your installation is scheduled for tomorrow. Tomorrow arrives. Nothing happens. You call them. They tell you your installation is scheduled for tomorrow. Rinse and repeat indefinitely. I have personally experienced this absurd time loop, as documented in my previous posts (here and here). You would think that after a certain number of times, someone would break the cycle, but no. Virgin Media has clearly perfected the art of making tomorrow an unreachable mirage. Callbacks? What Callbacks? But the real pièce de résistance of Virgin Media Timekeeping is their approach to returning calls. You see, in this fascinating alternate reality, 48 hours does not actually mean 48 hours. It might mean 48 days. It might mean never. Who knows? I was personally assured by a manager—yes, an actual manager!—that if their staff failed to call me back within 48 hours, he himself would call me the following day. What happened? Absolutely nothing. No callback, no explanation, just pure, unfiltered silence. This was not a one off incident. But a regular occurrence. Multiple promises for callbacks which never materialised. Special Training Required? At this point, I refuse to believe this is mere incompetence. No, there must be a training course involved. Perhaps new employees at Virgin Media are sat down in a room and taught how to expertly delay appointments, shift dates around in a way that makes customers question their own sanity, and promise callbacks they have no intention of making. Maybe they even get a certificate in Advanced Time Manipulation upon completion. If only the rest of us could sign up for this mysterious course—imagine the possibilities! “Oh, I’ll pay my bill tomorrow.” “I’ll be at work in 48 hours.” “I’ll finish that project you asked for in… let’s say, another 48 hours.” The world would descend into chaos. Conclusion Virgin Media’s approach to time is a thing of legend. If you’re ever unfortunate enough to be waiting on an installation or a callback, just remember: their clocks don’t work the same way yours do. Your appointment will always be tomorrow. Your callback will always be within 48 hours. And your frustration? Well, that’s guaranteed to arrive immediately.Installation issues
I’ve made my fair share of bad decisions, but none quite as mind-numbingly absurd as trusting Virgin Media to actually deliver broadband. Instead, I stumbled into a bizarre circus of incompetence, a twisted realm where false promises, robotic customer service, and mind-blowing stupidity collide in the most ridiculous way possible. This company is not a broadband provider. It is a scam operation wearing a uniform. The Art of Talking Absolute Rubbish Virgin Media’s entire business model is based on making things up as they go along. Every time they speak, they somehow manage to dig their reputation even deeper into the bottomless pit of shame and failure. “Yes, we can install broadband at your house.” → No, they can’t. “The engineer will be able to fix it.” → No, they won’t. “It will be sorted next week.” → No, it won’t. “We’re escalating this to our specialist team.” → There is no specialist team. “We’ll call you back with an update.” → No, they won’t. Every single word out of their mouth is as reliable as a chocolate teapot. They lie as effortlessly as breathing, and I’m convinced their entire training program consists of learning new and creative ways to waste people’s time. The Installation That Never Happened Let’s talk about the circus of failure that was my so-called “installation.” This would have been hilarious, if it hadn’t been happening to me. They promised it would be an easy setup. → They were wrong. They sent engineers. → They were useless. They sent different engineers. → Still useless. They blamed “external contractors.” → As if I care who’s responsible, just fix it! They sent another team to do the exact same thing that had already failed. They blamed the council. → No, Virgin, the problem is YOU. Then, after months of this ridiculous game of hot potato, they finally admitted: “Oh, actually, the conduit is crushed, so you can’t get broadband from us.” FANTASTIC. After all that, they finally reached the conclusion that their own engineers had known from the very start. We had also told them in week one that there was an issue with the conduit in our road - as their own engineers had told us this in person! But Virgin media would not believe it - both us and their own engineers. Virgin Media had zero intention of solving this problem. Instead, they just let me waste months of my life waiting for a solution that was never going to come. If this level of incompetence was any more extreme, I’d assume I was being pranked by a hidden camera show. Customer Service? More Like Customer Torment Trying to get answers from Virgin Media’s customer support is like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall—except the brick wall is smarter and more helpful. Their phone system is designed to make you give up. Their chat agents are programmed to type random circular nonsense until you leave. Their managers don’t exist. (Or if they do, they’re hiding in a bunker somewhere.) Their entire operation is based on ignoring you until you go away. They should rebrand from “Virgin Media” to “Virgin Excuses”, because that’s the only thing they ever deliver. Virgin Media: The Company That Should Not Exist Virgin Media is not just bad at providing broadband. They are a disgrace to the entire concept of customer service. If you are thinking of signing up with them, don’t. Run. Run far away. Find another provider, even if it means chiseling a satellite dish out of rock with your bare hands—it will be less frustrating and more reliable than anything Virgin Media could ever offer. This company deserves to be studied—not for its technology, but as a case study in how to be astonishingly, laughably, offensively useless at everything. Virgin Media, congratulations. You have wasted my time, tested my patience, and proven beyond all doubt that you are an utter failure of a company. Now kindly get lost and never darken my door again. I will see you in court - because I will get compensated for this tsunami of nonsense.Installation issues
Virgin Media, the company that can’t figure out how to install their own broadband, yet still insists on pretending they can. It started simply: I asked for fiber. Virgin said yes. They gave me an install date. Then the circus began. The Never-Ending Clown Show For months, Virgin’s engineers have arrived, yanked on the conduit like confused cavemen, watched it fall apart, and then run away—only to reschedule and do it all over again. December 23rd: Failure. January 9th: Failure. January 21st: Failure. February 5th: Failure. February 21st: Failure. At this point, it’s not even incompetence. It’s performance art. Blame Everyone but Themselves. Rather than just admitting they’re useless, Virgin Media has mastered the fine art of pointing fingers: “It’s Avonline’s fault!” You hired Avonline, you absolute muppets. That’s like hiring a dodgy builder and then acting shocked when your house collapses. “The council won’t let us access the road!” Funny, since Avonline’s engineers have been out there working on the road. In fact, one of them even said: “Virgin Media on this road? Not a chance. The conduit’s knackered. Not gonna happen.” Then they tried anyway, snapped the fiber, and left the conduit even more broken. Genius. Truly. I hope the person responsible gets a bonus. I would just leave and give up, but they insist they will only send me all of the money they owe me (for multiple missed appointments, and an agreement to cover the difference between my Virgin bill price and the extortiantate out of contract BT price in the meantime) if I stay and wait to be connected - is that even legal? Lies, Lies and more Lies Meanwhile, their customer service team—trained, I assume, by a group of concussed pigeons—kept assuring me that everything was fine. Me: “Can you install fiber at my house?” Virgin: “Absolutely!” Me: “Then why are you literally paying my neighbours to leave because you can’t install fiber?” Virgin: “Uhh… unforeseen circumstances?” And speaking of my neighbours, I find out they were actually PAID TO LEAVE VIRGIN MEDIA because the company knew it couldn’t provide service - due to a broken conduit! Let me repeat that: They gave people money to go away rather than just fixing the damn conduit. Then they continue to sell this knowingy broken service to others on the same road. Even going so far as to send sales reps door-to-door! We have been waiting for installation since November 2024. Other neighbours have been waiting since October 2024. It is now nearly March 2025. Gaslighting 101 And just when you think Virgin can’t sink lower, they send me an email implying I haven’t been in touch. I’ve spent more time chasing these clowns than they’ve spent actually doing their job. At this rate, I could hand-dig a new conduit myself before Virgin Media figures out what’s happening. Final Thoughts Virgin Media, just be honest: Either fix the conduit and install the fiber, or Admit you can’t do it and stop wasting everyone’s time. Stop selling products you cannot provide. Instead, you’re stuck in an infinite loop of lying, blaming, failing, and rescheduling—like some kind of broadband time-wasting machine. Virgin Media: The only thing they connect is excuses.