Thanks jpeg1. My father-in-law seems to have been bullied into accepting a stupidly expensive contract when he was seriously ill last year. He was ashamed of this and didn't fully let us in on what had happened until recently. He died last week. I'll obviously be advising my mother-in-law on where to put her TV/broadband contract money going forward, but VM shouldn't be allowed to do his, and my folks-in-law are significantly out of pocket as a result.
PS I found the web chat button, which didn't appear on my Firefox browser for some reason (but did on Chrome). As you predicted, it's like throwing questions into a decision tree which always ends in "No".