Virgin Media Timekeeping: A Lesson in Alternative Reality
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with Virgin Media’s installation team, you might have noticed something strange. The concept of time, as understood by the rest of the world, simply does not apply to them. While the rest of us rely on clocks, calendars, and the basic principles of scheduling, Virgin Media appears to operate on a timekeeping system all of its own—a mysterious, ever-shifting entity I can only describe as Virgin Media Time. The Never-Ending “Tomorrow” Most of us are familiar with the idea of a scheduled date. If you book an appointment for, say, the 1st of April, you’d expect something to happen on that day. But not in the Virgin Media universe! No, here’s how it works: You’re told your installation is scheduled for tomorrow. Tomorrow arrives. Nothing happens. You call them. They tell you your installation is scheduled for tomorrow. Rinse and repeat indefinitely. I have personally experienced this absurd time loop, as documented in my previous posts (here and here). You would think that after a certain number of times, someone would break the cycle, but no. Virgin Media has clearly perfected the art of making tomorrow an unreachable mirage. Callbacks? What Callbacks? But the real pièce de résistance of Virgin Media Timekeeping is their approach to returning calls. You see, in this fascinating alternate reality, 48 hours does not actually mean 48 hours. It might mean 48 days. It might mean never. Who knows? I was personally assured by a manager—yes, an actual manager!—that if their staff failed to call me back within 48 hours, he himself would call me the following day. What happened? Absolutely nothing. No callback, no explanation, just pure, unfiltered silence. This was not a one off incident. But a regular occurrence. Multiple promises for callbacks which never materialised. Special Training Required? At this point, I refuse to believe this is mere incompetence. No, there must be a training course involved. Perhaps new employees at Virgin Media are sat down in a room and taught how to expertly delay appointments, shift dates around in a way that makes customers question their own sanity, and promise callbacks they have no intention of making. Maybe they even get a certificate in Advanced Time Manipulation upon completion. If only the rest of us could sign up for this mysterious course—imagine the possibilities! “Oh, I’ll pay my bill tomorrow.” “I’ll be at work in 48 hours.” “I’ll finish that project you asked for in… let’s say, another 48 hours.” The world would descend into chaos. Conclusion Virgin Media’s approach to time is a thing of legend. If you’re ever unfortunate enough to be waiting on an installation or a callback, just remember: their clocks don’t work the same way yours do. Your appointment will always be tomorrow. Your callback will always be within 48 hours. And your frustration? Well, that’s guaranteed to arrive immediately.